Waking.Up.In.Reno.2002.XviD.AC3.CD2-WAF

절대 안 그래

 

기분 야릇해지네

 

좀 더 가져다 먹어야겠어

 

캔디 받쳐주려면
여간 고된 게 아니거든

 

농담 아니라구

 

금방 올게

 

저기 봐!
테마결혼식이야!

 

너무 근사하다, 그치?

 

저거야

 

우리도 저거 할래

 

뭘?

 

테마결혼식!

 

난 도로시

 

그인 양철 나무꾼...

 

들러리는 난쟁이 시켜야지

 

왜 저런 옷을 입고
결혼하려고 해?

 

로맨틱하잖아

 

될 대로 되라지

 

심심해서 왔어요

 

네?

 

심심해서 왔다구요

 

- 그래요
- 네

 

당연히 거절하겠지만

 

당신 방에 갈래요

 

나 못 다룰 텐데요

 

할 수 있어요

 

자신 있다구요

 

그러시다면야

 

그럴 여력이 없을 텐데요

 

무슨 소리요?

 

당신 같은 타입은
안 봐도 뻔해요

 

쥐뿔도 없이 폼만 잡죠

 

과연 그럴까?

 

그럼 보여주지

 

이거 알아보겠소?

 

신발?

 

물론

 

두 달째 렌트한 거요

 

그래요...?

 

감 잡았나?

 

렌트료가 싼가보네

 

살다보니 별소릴
다 듣겠네

 

예전엔 가시내들
안 그랬는데

 

안 그랬는데...

 

네, 마이크를
다시 잡았습니다

 

별 게 다 꼬여

 

남의 나라 와서
물만 흐리는군

 

암만

 

젠장!

 

보나마나 레즈비언이야

 

레즈비언치곤 너무 예뻐

 

레즈비언이라고

 

추녀만 있겠냐
이쁠 수도 있지

 

레즈비언이란 필이 왔어

 

난 몸만 남자인
레즈비언이야

 

그게 다 망할놈의

 

여권운동 때문이야

 

언제부터 이랬는줄 알아?

 

헬렌 때문이야

 

남자도 눌러버린
테니스 선수까지

 

여권운동은 잊자구

 

그 애들 하는 짓 뻔해

 

왼종일 집안에 틀어박혀

 

잡지나 뒤적이지

 

싸구려 여성잡지 말야

- TV도
- 맞아

 

거기 푹 빠져선
눈물이나 짜지

 

뼈빠지게 돈버는 남편은
섹스 대상이 아닌

 

바가지 긁으려고 있는 거고

 

그렇담 난 행운아네

 

우리 마누라는
요 쎈돌이

 

광팬이거든

 

이봐...

 

어떨 때 보면
완전 색녀라니까

 

있잖아...
예전에도 요즘처럼

 

요란하진 않았겠지?

 

비명에 신음이
장난 아니던데

 

늘 그랬어

 

- 설마
- 진짜야

 

아닐걸
거짓말이지?

 

설마 그럴라고

 

물론 당혹스러울 때도
있긴 하지만...

 

내가 쎄게 느껴져
우쭐할 때도 많아

 

남자라면 응당 그렇겠지만
안 그래?

 

물 좀 버리고 올게

 

젠장!

 

카드 점

 

점쟁이 조라...

 

가서 점이나
한번 쳐보자

 

- 싫어
- 가보자!

 

무서울 거 같아
안 갈래

빨리 와

 

점괘가 나왔어요

 

퀸은 여성적인 면을
상징하죠

 

여성적이래

 

임신하겠는데요

 

이거 다 주세요

 

그래야 확실하지

 

그리고 또...

 

막대사탕도 세 개 줘요

 

흥분돼요?

 

뭐가요?

 

임신진단이요

 

흥분은 뭘요

 

왜 임신했다고 믿나
모르겠어요

 

그거 거르지도 않았는데

 

그건 여자를
모르는 소린데...

 

생리 거르기 전에
아는 수도 있어요

 

비명에 신음에
난리를 펴도

 

난 안 속아요
다 아니까

 

무슨 소리예요?

 

다 알면서 내숭떨긴

 

나 약 오르라고

 

일부러 그러는 거잖아요

 

뭘요?

 

로이랑 그거 할 때
소리치는 거

근데 연기가 형편없더군

 

무슨 연기?

 

정 그렇담...

 

나랑 할 땐
소리 안 질렀잖아요

 

다 이유가 있겠죠

 

어때?

 

오줌 잔뜩 받아놓고
테스트 막대란 막대는

 

다 뜯어 확인해봤는데...

 

전부 똑같이 나와

 

맞대

 

정말?

 

어머나...

 

세상에, 아기라니...

 

들었지?

 

맞아?

 

갖고 있어

 

우리 아기가 생긴 거야?

 

와, 고마워

 

자기야, 사랑해

 

행복해?

 

그럼, 자긴?

 

정말?

 

사랑해

 

나도 사랑해

 

무지무지 사랑해

 

맥주!

 

맥주요

 

- 맥주요
- 저칼로리 맥주!

 

웬일이지
나 땄어!

 

또야!

 

나 21이야
내가 이겼다구

 

우리 애기!

 

- 어딨지?
- 갔어

 

어딜? 왜 평평해?

 

- 소리들릴까?
- 그럴 거야

세상에

 

발 힘이 굉장한데

 

여보?

 

여기 잠깐 앉아볼래?

 

그래

 

다름이 아니라...

 

나 오늘 대단했지?

 

당신도 알다시피

 

오늘 돈 좀 땄잖아

 

대단하지?

 

그래서 샀는데

 

어떨지 모르겠어

 

당신 맘에 들어야 할 텐데...

별 건 아니고...

 

아무튼 받아

 

자기 거야

 

맘에 들지 몰라

 

이런 덴 젬병이라

 

당신이 더 잘 알잖아

 

여자 물건 볼 줄 알아야지

 

맘에 들어?

 

오, 여보...

 

팔찌야

 

너무 아름다워

 

당신만큼 아름답진 않아

 

문 닫고 와

 

알았어

 

금방 올 테니 꼼짝 말아

 

잉꼬부부 납시네

 

어젯밤 지진 좀 났죠?

 

그만해

 

커피 마실래?

지금 하신 말씀
확실한 거예요?

 

이봐, 빨랑 오라구

 

계란프라이 굳어

말이 안 되잖아요

 

'난쟁이'란을 못 찾겠어

 

그럼 '소인'으로 찾아봐

 

알았어요

 

자기야, 빨랑 와

 

예배당 예약해야지

 

그러죠

 

그럼

 

이런 세상에...

 

난쟁이 못 찾으면
열받을 거야

 

난쟁이 들러리 없인
이 결혼 못해

없어도 근사할거야

 

왜 그래?

 

방금 의사하고 통화했는데

 

하는 말이...

 

난 아기를 가질 수 없대

 

웃기지도 않네
왜 그래?

 

우리가 왜 못 가져?

 

우리가 아니고
나

당신 걱정할까봐
말 안 했는데...

 

애를 써도
애가 안 생기길래

 

당신 몰래
검사를 받았거든

 

근데... 검사결과

 

내 정자가 문제래

 

그건 착오야

 

착오가 분명해
까먹었나 본데

 

나 홀몸 아닌걸

 

아니, 확실하대

 

- 그럴 리가 없어
- 젠장!

 

정확히 내 샘플을
실험실에 보냈어

 

그런데 무슨 착오가
생기겠어!

 

안 그럼 임신을 어떻게 해
설마...

 

뭐야?

 

뭐가?

 

- 그 눈빛...
- 무슨?

 

둘이 서로 주고받았잖아

 

그게 무슨 눈빛씩이나

 

달린, 정말 미안해

 

미안하긴 뭐가 미안해요?

 

죽을죄를 지었어

 

뭘 잘못했는데?

 

서로 바라본 것도
죄가 되는 건가?

 

누구나 다 보잖아

 

그런 게 아니잖아

 

어쩜 좋아

 

제발...

 

날 용서해줘

 

뭘 용서하란 거지?
도대체 왜 그래?

 

나 참, 기가 차서

 

잠깐

 

난 도무지 이해가 안돼

 

이런 답답한 사람
아직도 모르겠어요?

 

추잡한 섹스가
오고 간 거예요

 

네?

 

내 남편하고 당신 부인이...

 

설마...

 

맞아요

말도 안돼

 

다들 오버가 심하네

 

닥쳐!

 

제발 입 좀 다물고 있어!

 

어줍잖은 야비 그만 떨고

 

반성하라구!

 

임신한 게 누군데!

 

누구 씨인지도 모르나?

 

낯짝 두꺼운 짐승 같으니!

 

달린, 미안해

 

정말 미안해

 

어쩔 수가 없었어

 

그 이가 그랬어?

로이, 용서해라

 

절친한 친구잖아

 

장담하는데

 

그건 너랑은 상관없이
벌어진 일이야

 

내 마누라야!

 

걸레!

 

개자식!

 

달린, 기다려봐

 

달린, 제발...

닥쳐!

제발
내 말 좀 들어봐

 

친구사이에
못 풀게 뭐 있어

 

친구?

 

친구라면서 나한테
어떻게 이럴 수 있어

 

지내긴 좋으세요?

 

닥쳐

 

그러죠

 

3학년 때부터 친구였건만

 

니네들 둘이 그런 게
몇 번이야?

 

두 번...
딱 두 번이었어

 

맹세코 그게 다야

 

뭐하려고?

 

여보, 얘기 좀 해

 

좀 있다가!

 

지금 달린 달래는 거
안 보여?

 

뺨칠 때는 언제고
달래긴 누굴 달래!

 

네 남편이나 달래주시지

 

난 됐어

 

그럼 먼저들 해요

 

무슨 남자가
화낼 줄도 몰라요!

 

왜 내게 그래요?

 

로이한테 왜 그래?
그인 양보한 거뿐이야

 

시꺼!

 

그래, 까짓것

 

와서 쳐봐

 

- 뭐?
- 치라구

 

난 맞아도 싸

 

그래야 너나 나나
속 편해져

- 그럼 나도 치려고?
- 난 맞고만 있을게

덤벼

 

맙소사

그만! 그만둬!

 

저리 가

 

남의 남편은 왜 때려!

 

내 마누라랑 자곤
치기까지 해?

 

더 때려봐!

 

그냥 반사적으로
주먹이 나갔어

 

쫌만 조용히 해주시면...

 

당장 꺼져!

 

그러죠

 

모두 잠깐만!

 

좋은 수가 있어

이럼 공평해져

 

달린하고 로이도
자면 되는 거잖아

 

이보다 더 공평할 순 없지

 

- 구제불능이군
- 왜?

 

드디어 맛이 갔냐?

 

이왕 그럴 거면
올랜도랑 하겠다

 

이런 세상에

 

나까지 왜 이래
짐승이 따로 없군

 

그건 안될 말이지
절대

 

안된단 거 알아

그럴 수만 있다면 차라리

 

마녀라도 돼서...

 

이 일을 돌려놓고
싶을 뿐이야

 

마녀도 여자인데

 

내 남편을 가만 놔둘까

 

여보, 잠깐만

 

진정해봐

 

이 판에 진정하게 됐어!

진정하고 나랑
얘기 좀 해

 

네 상판 보기 싫어

 

전부 꼴도 보기 싫다구

달린...

안약부터 넣는 게 어때?

 

내 눈은 멀쩡해

 

아주 말짱하다구

 

무지 깨끗이 보여

 

가지 마, 여보
잠깐

 

여보세요

 

완전 개판이군

 

미안해

 

모르겠어?

 

사과하긴 늦었어, 로니

 

자기야...

 

다 잘돼야 할 텐데

 

안 그래요, 친구?

 

제기랄!

 

번호는 5394예요

 

네, 고마워요

 

달린, 잠깐만

이렇게 가면 안 되잖아

 

이래라저래라 하지마

 

나 그런 말 듣는데
질린 몸이야!

 

내가 잘못했어
다 내 탓이야

 

그래도 얘길 해야지

 

이 일로 우리사이
포기할 순 없잖아

 

우리사이!

 

쓰레기 같은 사이?

 

나까지 끌어들이지 마

 

너도 상관있어

 

뭐라고?

 

너도 이 일에
책임이 있다구

 

네 관심을 끌어보려고
애쓰는 남편에게

 

넌 늘 냉담했잖아

 

나한테 와서
고민 털어놓길래

 

난 위로해줬을 뿐이야

 

그러다 보니 모르는 사이에
둘이 뒤엉킨거구?

 

나쁜 기지배

 

그러고도 친구냐

나 친구 맞아

안 그래도

 

그 일 의논하려 했어

 

하지만 넌
아무 문제없는 척

 

말도 못 붙이게 했잖아

행복해 죽겠단 듯이!

 

그만해

 

넌 온실 속 화초야

 

그만큼 예쁘단
소리가 아니라...

 

밖에 나오길
두려워한단 거야

 

눈이 있어도 세상을
제대로 보질 못하지

 

왜 이리 늦어!

 

그래, 그래버려

 

항상 그렇듯이
또 도망쳐버려

 

피하는덴 명수잖아

 

닥쳐!

 

넌 충분히
행복해질 수 있어

 

용기를 내!

 

문제가 뭔지 알아?

 

너 스스로 널
불쌍히 여긴단 거야

 

애들 뒤에 숨어선

 

괜히 자신을 비하하면서
우울해하잖아

 

혼자만의 울타리를
높다랗게 쌓아놓고

 

거기서만 살려고 하잖아!

 

그만해!

 

싫어!

 

이젠 정신 차려

넌 좋은 집에...
넉넉한 돈

 

건강한 애들...

 

널 걱정해주는
친구도 있잖아

 

또! 널 진심으로

 

아껴주는 남편까지 있잖아!

 

로니는 진심으로
사랑해줄 수 있는

 

여자가 그리운 거야

 

넌 충분히
행복할 수 있다구

 

마음의 눈을 뜨면
내 말 이해할거야

 

눈 떠봤자 니네들
뒹구는 것만 보여

 

- 그러지 마
- 잠시만...

 

다만 너한테 궁금한 건...

 

내 남편이랑 바람 필 때도

 

설마 니네 아버지
허락받고 하진 않았겠지

 

나쁜 년!

 

여기서 이러시면 안 됩니다...

 

얘기 좀 해

 

닥쳐

 

큰 일 칠 건가봐

 

잠깐만

 

- 이 일은 정말...
- 계단으로 가지

 

미안하게 됐어

- 나중에 해
- 로이

 

이거 놔!

 

잡지 마!

- 달린!
- 놔두란 말야!

 

- 떨어지지 못해
- 힘으로 한번 해보시지...

 

가만 안 둘 거야

 

달린!

 

그만들 해

 

가지 마!

 

이거 놔!

 

놔!

못 가게 해!

 

빨랑 내려 줘

 

제발 진정해

 

지금 진정하게 됐어!

 

이거 좀 내려놔!

 

나 임신한 거 잊었어!

그거 놔...
왜 그래?

 

남의 지갑 갖고 뭐하려고?

 

내 지갑...

 

이럼 어떨까?

 

- 안 돼
- 나 말리지 마!

 

- 제발 그러지 마
- 나쁜 새끼!

 

한 달에 한 번 알죠?

 

이제 굴 안 먹어요?

 

스토미나에 좋잖아요

 

제가 한잔 살까요?

 

네, 좋죠

 

여길 주목하세요

 

♪ 오, 마이 달링!

 

♪ 내가 보고프면

 

♪ 천장을 세 번 쳐요

 

손 뒀다 뭐합니까
계속 쳐주세요

 

♪ 내가 밉다면

 

♪ 파이프를 두 번 쳐요

 

♪ 내 사랑 그대

 

♪ 이따 복도에서 봐요

 

박수 치면서!
좋아요!

 

♪ 파이프 치면

 

♪ 내가 싫은 줄 알게요

 

오, 이런

 

미인은 역시 외롭군요

 

잘 오셨어요

 

♪ 그대를 오랫동안
♪ 지켜봤네

 

♪ 일거수일투족에 훤하지

 

♪ 당신은 아래층 여자
♪ 날 모르겠지만...

 

♪ 나 그대 사랑해

 

♪ 오, 마이 달링!

 

♪ 내가 보고프면

♪ 파이프를 두 번 쳐요

 

더 이상은 못 참겠어

 

더 이상은 싫어

 

투신자살이라도
하고싶은 심정이야

 

얘기라도 해야지
못 견디겠어요

 

어릴 적부터
혼자는 질색이에요

 

지금도 혼자는 못 있겠어요
얘기 좀 해요

 

잠깐 얘기만 하다 갈게요

 

맹세코 딴 짓은
안할 거예요

 

맹세코!

 

바람피고 있어요

- 뭐라구요?
- 딴 여자랑 있다구

 

뭔 소리예요?

 

이럴 수 있어?

 

나쁜 자식!

 

바에서 계집애랑 춤추고 있는 걸
내 눈으로 봤어요

 

그럼 뻔하지

 

등허리까지 머리 긴 여자?

 

그래요

 

길고 검은머리?

 

가슴 보일랑 말랑한?

 

네

 

신경 꺼요

 

바에서 죽치는 창녀니까

 

창녀?

 

불난 데 부채질했나보군

 

이젠 날 사랑하지 않는 거야

 

무슨 소리

 

- 얼마나 사랑하는데
- 그럴 리가 없어

 

내 남편이 창녀랑
놀아나다니

 

아닐걸

 

그래봤자 레즈비언인걸요

 

그 이 끼고 있던데
레즈비언은 무슨!

 

그만...

 

왜 이렇게 된 줄 알아요?

 

다 우리가 더러워서 그래요

 

우리가 더럽긴
뭐가 더러워요

 

- 안 그래
- 더러워요

 

깨끗해요
우린 그런 사람 아니잖아요

 

- 절대
- 더럽다니깐

 

이봐요, 이러지 말고

 

- 얘기나 해요
- 세상에...

우린 버린 몸이야

 

이 꼴 보자고 왔군

 

차라리 둘이
방 하나 얻지 그래

 

아님 재미보게
자리 비켜줘?

 

로이, 그건 오해야

 

방금 네 얘기하고 있었다구
그렇죠?

 

그러셔?

좋아...

 

둘이 했어?

 

뭘?

 

너랑

 

그 까무잡잡한 애
춤춘 다음 했냐구!

 

참고로 말하는데

 

그 여자 섹스퀸이야

 

그 여자가 뭐건 관심없어!

 

잡소리 집어치워
그딴 거 관심없으니까

 

- 했어, 안 했어?
- 당신 왜 그래!

 

지금 뭐 낀 놈이
성내는 거야?

 

먼저 시작한 게
도대체 누군데!

 

난 이만 자리 비켜줄게

 

좀 전에는
혼자 못 있겠다며!

 

남의 부부문제
엿듣는 거 같아서

 

남의 부부문제?!

 

멀쩡한 남의 아내
임신시켜놓고

 

이제 와서
제 3자 행세야?

 

알았어, 있지 뭐

 

여기 찌그러져 있을게

 

맘대로 화풀이 해봐

 

어서

 

로이...

 

당신 화내는 거
백번 당연해

 

그래도 그렇지

 

창녀 갖고 복수하려 들어?

그 여자 성병 있을 텐데...

 

나도 옮게 되잖아

 

복수한 줄 안다면

그건 크나큰 오산이셔

 

자긴 안중에도 없었다구

 

기분 완전히
뿅가게 하더군

 

근데 얼마나 주고 했어

 

당신 일 아니니
끼어들지 마!

 

그러게 간다니깐

말해줄까?

 

땡전 한푼 안 달랬어

 

왜냐?

 

날 진정으로 원했거든

 

이렇게 좋은 남자한테...

 

그런 끔찍한 짓을
어떻게 하냐더군

 

친구사이에 말야

 

난 존경 받아 마땅하댔어
훨씬 더

 

틀린 말 아니지

 

이젠 한계에 왔어

 

이리저리 차이는 거

 

이젠 사양하겠어

내 말뜻 알지?

이런 꼴 더 이상은
안 당하겠어

 

이제부터

 

다들 날 존경해줘

 

그럴만 하니까

 

안 그럼 가만 안둘 테니
각오해

 

무슨 꼴 날지 두고 보라구

 

전 존경해요

 

도대체 어딨다 오는 거야

 

- 이런...
- 가까이 오지 마

 

- 세상에
- 영기 흐려져

 

뭐?

 

안 보여?
내 주위에

 

자존심 뚝뚝 떨어지잖아

 

토니 올랜도가 줬어

달린...

 

그렇게 입으니까
모델 뺨치겠네

 

고마워요

 

토니 올랜도 만났어?

 

아니

 

내게 노래를 불러줬어

 

오늘밤 무지
예뻐 보이더라

 

나도 오늘은 내가
예쁜 거 같애

 

해가 중천입니다

 

아침들 드십쇼

신사분들도
어서 일어나세요

 

어서 훌훌 털고
일어나세요

 

좋은 아침입니다

 

해자 중천이에요

 

신사분들
발딱발딱 일어나세요

 

달린 도드 씨가 시켰습니다

 

아침 준비됐으니

 

와서 드셔야죠

 

캔디 양, 아침 드십시오

 

어서들 오시겠어요

 

로이 씨는
계란 입힌 토스트...

 

예비 아기엄마는
커피 없이 달걀만

 

이건...

 

뭐라고 했더라?

 

밀스버그에서
차 파는 껄떡남 씨

 

전 죄 없어요
자...

 

계산은 선생님 카드로 했구요

그럼 즐거운 시간 되십쇼

속히 돌아가시면
좋겠지만...

그 말은 생략하죠

 

그럼 전 이만

 

잠깐!

 

아뇨, 팁은 됐습니다

당신 부인께 벌써
넉넉히 받은걸요

 

통이 크시더군요

 

그럼, 껄떡남 씨
친구분들, 안녕히

 

비위 거슬려서

 

다신 팁 주나봐라

 

몬스터 트럭 쇼에서 만나재

 

이쯤에서 묻죠

 

모두 트럭 쇼 보실
준비됐습니까?

 

그럼, 시작합니다!

 

나 왔어

 

응

 

다들 시간 맞춰 왔네

 

저기 좀 봐

 

오늘밤 환상적인 쇼를
구경할 준비되셨죠!

 

당신한테 정말
못할 짓 했어

 

이젠 재수없는 짓
다신 안 할게

 

당신 없으면
나 못 사는 거 알잖아

 

당신을 잃느니
트럭에 치어죽지

 

신사 숙녀 여러분
리노만의 자랑...

 

트럭 씹어먹는
고질라입니다

 

그 이름하야
로보사우르스!

 

자, 이제부터...

 

모두가 고대하는
하이라이트!

 

저런

 

잘한다!

 

로니, 억장 좀 무너지겠다

 

좋았어!

 

삼킬 건가봐

 

세상에

 

뭐 타고 집에 가냐?

 

오늘밤 쇼를 위해

 

차를 희사하신
자동차 판매상

 

로니 얼 도드 씨입니다!

 

차 사실 분들 있으시면

 

잘 봐두십쇼!

 

여러분, 로니 씨께 박수를!

 

이런 이벤트 뒤엔

 

만신창이 구제불능 부부도

 

곧잘 화해하길래

 

우리 부부도 그러길 바랬다

 

거기 좀 도와줄까?

 

하지만 인생은
단순치 않은 법!

 

우선은

 

그냥 거길 떠나기로 했다

 

캔디의 임신 문제 땜에

 

여전히 골치 아픈
상태였지만

 

로이는 낯선 정자 얻느니...

 

친구 것 받는 게
좋다고 했다

물론 방법상
찝찝하긴 하지만 말이다

 

허나 시간은
상처를 아물게 하고

 

우정의 힘은
위기를 넘기는 법!

 

그렇다, 우리에겐
우정이 있었다

 

로이...

 

할 말이 있어

 

사랑해

 

알아

 

아니, 진심으로 사랑해

 

굿뉴스, 캔디는
우량아를 낳았다

 

로이 붕어빵이라...

 

캔디는 '쎈돌이'로
부르자 했다

 

또 둘을 더 낳고
불임 소동은 끝이 났다

 

로이 정자는
멀쩡했던 거다

 

로니는 마침내

 

정신과 상담의를 만나...

 

많이 좋아진 상태다

 

난 사업에 더욱
적극적으로 참여해서

 

말도 못할 만큼
자신감이 생겼고

 

판매량도 늘렸다

 

이보다 더 쌀 순 없습니다!

 

만약 로니를
믿지 못하시면...

 

달린을 믿으세요

 

안녕하세요
저 달린 도드

 

여러분께 저렴한 구매를
약속드립니다

 

절대 후회하지
않으실 겁니다!

 

로니의 차와 함께

 

스피드를 즐겨보세요

행운이 따릅니다

 

미니 밴도 있으니

 

어서 서두르십시오!

 

로니를 못 믿겠다면

 

달린을 믿으세요

 

I wouldn't ever do that.

 

I just got a tingle.

 

I'm gonna go get me
some more of these suckers.

 

I'm gonna have a hard time
keepin' up with Candy,

 

you know what I'm sayin'?

 

I'll be back.

 

Oh, look! It's one
of them theme weddings!

 

Oh, ain't that sweet,
Darlene?

 

That's it!

 

That's what Roy and I need.

 

What?

 

A theme wedding.

 

I'd be Dorothy.

 

And he could be that tin guy.

 

And we could have...
midgets for bridesmaids.

 

Why would you dress up like that
for a wedding?

 

'Cause it's romantic.

 

Well, let's see.

 

♪ And night... ♪

 

♪ Up in the clouds
flying so high ♪

 

♪ You try your best
to stretch your mind ♪

Come down here, didn't l?

 

Huh?

 

I said
I come down here, didn't l?

 

- Yes, you did.
- Yeah.

 

Now...you might have to
twist my arm,

 

but...I'll go up
to your room with you.

 

♪ Hate to put
your two feet... ♪

 

I don't think
you could handle me.

 

Oh, honey, I could handle it.

 

There's no doubt about it.

 

Well...

 

I don't think
you could afford it.

 

What the hell does that mean?

 

It means I see your type come
through here all the time --

 

all blow and no dough.

 

Is that a fact?

 

♪ Dream on, dreamer ♪

 

Let me show you
somethin', honey.

 

♪ If you live to learn
you'll be lucky one day ♪

 

See that?
You know what that is, baby?

 

A shoe.

 

Well, hell yeah, it is.

 

It's also two months' rent.

 

♪ Over and over ♪

 

Well...

 

You see there?

 

Rent must be very cheap.

 

That was a really shitty thing
to say to somebody.

 

♪ The old gray mare just
ain't what she used to be ♪

 

♪ Ain't what she used to be ♪

 

♪ Ain't what she -- ♪

 

MAN:
Okay, everybody, we're back.

 

She can kiss my ass.

 

Come over here and just
take over the damn country.

 

Why not?

 

Well, fuck her.

 

She was a lesbian anyway.
I could tell.

 

She ain't no lesbian.
She's too pretty.

 

Son, there's all kinds
of lesbians --

 

pretty ones and ugly ones --
there's all kinds.

 

She had lesbian energy.
That's all I know.

 

Well, I'm a lesbian
in a man's body.

 

I'll tell you,
what got it all started

 

was that damn Gloria Steinem.

 

When she started
that women's-lib crap?

 

It was her and Helen Reddy

 

and that tennis player
that beat Bobby Riggs.

 

Let's don't forget
Helen Gurley Brown.

 

You know what they do,
don't you?

 

They sit around the house
all day

 

readin' them girlie magazines
like "Woman's Day"

 

and "Redbook"
and all that mess.

- And TV.
- Hell, yeah.

 

Start cryin' with Oprah
all damn afternoon.

 

Then by the time you get home
from work, shit,

 

they'd rather fight than fuck.

 

Mmm.

 

Well, I guess
I'm a pretty lucky man,

 

because Candy has always had
a very healthy appetite

 

for old Gunther here.

 

You know, I kinda...

 

I wonder sometimes
she ain't borderline nympho.

 

But she ain't always as...
wild and stuff

 

as she's been lately.

 

She don't always scream
and holler like that?

 

She sure does.

 

- No, she don't.
- Yes, she does.

 

No, she don't.
I mean...you're kiddin' me.

 

No, she don't, does she?

 

You know, sometimes it can be
downright embarrassin'.

 

Other times it can make you feel
like you're Studly Do-Right.

 

You're the man.
Know what I'm sayin'?

 

I got to pee.
I'll be back.

♪ No parking
on the dance floor ♪

 

♪ All right ♪

 

Shit.

 

"Psychic card reading...

 

Madam Zora."

 

Oh, come on. Let's go see
what the future says!

 

- Oh, no!
- Come on!

 

It's kind of scary.
I don't like it.

Oh, come on!

 

WOMAN:
This is very telling.

 

See, the queen depicts a strong
slant to your feminine side.

 

Hmm...

 

Feminine side.

 

Could you be expecting?

 

I'm gonna take all of these.

 

I'm not takin'
any chances tonight.

 

Hell, you know what?

 

Give me three
of them Butterfingers.

 

DARLENE:
So, are you excited?

 

ROY: About what?

 

About the pregnancy test.

 

Oh. I don't know.

 

I just don't understand
why she thinks she is now.

 

She ain't even missed her...
thing or nothin'.

 

Well, I'm gonna let you in
on a little female secret.

 

Sometimes you just know,
even before you miss your thing.

 

I'm not buyin'
all that screamin' and moanin'

 

and shit you've been doin',
just so you know.

 

What the hell
are you talkin' about?

 

Don't bullshit me, Candy.
You know what I'm talkin' about.

 

You're still mad
about our little fling.

 

You're doin' all that shit
for my benefit.

 

Doin' what?

 

Screamin' like a stuck hog with
your husband when y'all do it.

But it ain't workin'.
It's a bad acting job.

 

Who's actin'?

 

Well...all I know is

 

that you don't make all that
racket when you and me do it.

 

Well, you figure that out,
Sherlock.

 

ROY: So?

 

Well, I peed in a cup,
on a stick, on my hand.

 

I got lines and crosses
and...

 

...they all say the same thing.

 

Yes.

 

Yeah?

 

Oh, Candy.

 

No. Baby...

 

Did you hear?

 

Yeah?

 

Oh, can you hold that?

 

You mean we're gonna have
a baby?!

 

Oh, baby doll!

 

Oh, I love you!

 

You happy?

 

Yeah. You?

 

- You sure?
- Mm-hmm.

 

I love you.

 

I love you, baby.
I love you.

 

I love you so much.

 

♪ Baby got to going
on a southern train ♪

 

♪ Fired-up pistons
drivin' below ♪

 

♪ And the whole vibration... ♪

 

Beer.

 

Beer.

 

♪ Let's roll ♪

 

♪ Let's roll... ♪

 

- Beer.
- Light beer.

 

Oh, my God! I won!

 

♪ My baby got goin'
when the train hit the road ♪

 

♪ My baby got goin'
when the train hit the road ♪

 

♪ My baby got goin'
when the train hit the road ♪

 

Whoo!

 

Again!

 

I got 21!

 

♪ My baby's hooked on me ♪

♪ And as you can see
I'm wild about her ♪

 

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa-oh ♪

 

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa-oh ♪

 

♪ Whoa ♪

 

Oh, my God! It's alive!

 

- Where'd it go?
- It's gone.

 

Where'd it go?
Why is it flat?

 

- You think I can hear him?
- I think maybe you could.

Oh! Aah!

 

Little sucker kicks
like a mule.

 

- Hey, honey?
- Mm-hmm.

 

Could you come sit by me
for a minute?

 

Sure.

 

All right.
Here's the deal.

 

I did pretty good tonight.

 

You know, gamblin'?

 

Won a little extra money,
that kind of thing.

 

That's nice, huh?

 

And...I got this deal that --

 

Maybe it's not --

 

I don't know if it's down
your alley or not.

It's just a...little somethin'
I got, and --

 

Anyhow, well, there.

 

That's for you and everything.

 

I hope you like it.
I don't know.

 

I'm not real good
at pickin' shit out.

 

You know that.

 

Just, you know,
a girl kind of thing.

 

You like it?

 

Lonnie Earl...

 

A bracelet.

 

It's beautiful.

 

It's not as beautiful
as you are.

 

Close the door.

 

Oh, yeah.

 

I'll be right back.
Don't move.

 

CANDY: Well, look at
you two lovebirds.

 

Did y'all hear
that earthquake last night?

 

Stop.

 

You want some coffee, hon?

ROY: You sure there's no way
they could be wrong?

 

Hey, son,
you better get in here.

 

Your eggs are gonna get crusty.

How's it possible?

 

I can't find any midgets.

 

Well, you might try under "L"
for "little people."

 

ROY: Yeah, okay.

 

Honey, hurry up.

 

I gotta see
if we can book that chapel.

 

Okay.

 

Bye.

 

I swear to God,

 

if I don't get any midgets,
I'm gonna be so upset.

 

I can't have this wedding
without midgets.

DARLENE: You'll have a beautiful
weddin' no matter what.

 

What's wrong, honey?

 

Well, I was just talkin'
to Doc Tuley,

 

and he just told me that...

 

He said I can't have babies.

 

That's funny.
That's cute, baby.

 

What do you mean,
we can't have babies?

 

No, not "we."

 

Me.

I didn't tell you 'cause
I didn't want you worryin',

 

but I had
some fertility tests done

 

'cause we been tryin' and
weren't gettin' nowhere and...

 

Well, anyway, the tests
came back from Little Rock,

 

and my tadpoles ain't swimmin'.

 

Roy, it's just a mistake.

 

They made a mistake because,
in case you forgot,

 

I'm definitely pollinated.

 

No, they said
it's a for-sure thing.

 

- It can't be a for-sure thing.
- Damn it!

 

They sent the samples off
to a dang laboratory.

 

They ain't gonna be wrong
in a laboratory.

 

They gotta be wrong, because
I can't be pregnant unless --

 

What was that?

 

What was what?

 

- That look.
- What look?

 

The look you two just gave
each other.

 

Oh, that was no look.

 

Darlene, I'm so sorry.

 

What do you mean,
you're sorry?

 

I'm so sorry, Darlene.

 

What are you sorry about?

 

For God's sake, you looked
at me, and I looked at you.

 

People can look at one another,
can't they?

 

Not that like, they can't.

 

Oh, God.

 

Please...

 

Please forgive me.

 

Oh.

 

Forgive you for what?
What do you mean, forgive you?

 

This is ridiculous.

 

Will y'all hold on?

 

Am I missin' somethin' here?

 

Oh, for cryin' out loud,
Roy, don't you see?

 

This isn't Reno.
This is "Melrose Place."

 

Huh?

 

My husband has been doin'
your wife.

 

No.

 

Yes.

Ain't that the shits?

 

I think y'all are jumpin'
the gun.

 

Shut up!

 

Oh, just shut up, Lonnie Earl!
God damn it!

 

Quit acting like such an ass!

 

You blew it!

 

You're the one that got
pregnant!

 

She's the one got pregnant.
Shit.

 

You insensitive son of a bitch!

 

CANDY:
Darlene, I know!

 

I'm so sorry!

 

He's an asshole!

 

DARLENE:
He's an asshole?!

Hey, Roy, listen,
I'm sorry, man.

 

You're my best friend.

 

Listen, you got to believe me.

 

This didn't have a fuckin' thing
to do with you.

 

She's my wife!

 

DARLENE: Tramp!

 

Bastard!

 

Oh.

 

Darlene, please wait.

 

Darlene...
Darlene, please wait.

Shut up.

Come on.
We have to talk about this.

 

You're my best friend.

 

Best friends?

 

Best friends don't do that
to best friends.

 

Enjoying your stay, sir?

 

Oh, shut up.

 

Okay, then.

 

I've known you
since the third grade.

 

Just how long have you two
been visitin' Sin City?

 

Twice.
Just two times.

 

I swear to God, that's it.

 

What are you doin'?

 

Baby, we need to talk.

 

Not now, Roy!

 

Can't you see I'm tryin'
to console Darlene?!

 

Oh, I don't want your consolin'!
That's your husband!

 

He's the one who needs
your consolin'!

 

I'm fine.

 

That's okay.
You can go first.

 

Damn it, Roy!
Show some backbone, will you?!

 

Why are you mad at me?!

 

Why are you yellin' at him?
He's just tryin' to be nice.

 

Shut up, whore!

 

LONNIE EARL:
All right, Roy.

 

Come on, hit me.

 

- What?
- Hit me.

 

I got it comin' to me.

 

It'll make you feel better.
It'll make me feel better.

- You're gonna hit me back.
- I promise I won't hit back.

Okay, come on!

 

Oh, my God!
Lonnie Earl!

Get off! Get off me!

 

Get off him, you bastard!

 

You hit him!

 

You hit me
and then sleep with my wife!

 

And you hit me!

 

It was just a reflex action.
That's all it was.

 

You really gotta
keep it down in --

 

Get the fuck out!!

 

Yeah.

 

Hold on.
Hey, listen.

 

I got a great idea, okay?

I know how to fix everything.

 

Darlene and Roy
got to sleep together.

 

It'll make it even.
It's like a dealer trade-in.

 

- You are such a sick fuck!
- What?

 

Have you finally lost
your mind?!

 

And if I wanted a make-up fuck,
it would be with Tony Orlando!

 

Jesus, help me.

 

I feel so raw,
like I haven't got any skin!

 

This is wrong.
It's just wrong.

 

I know. It's wrong.

And if I could
just wiggle my nose

 

Like Samantha on "Bewitched"

 

and make this all go away,
Darlene, I would.

 

You'd probably call up
Aunt Clara,

 

and Lonnie Earl
would fuck her, too.

 

Hey -- Whoa. Whoa.

 

Hey, honey, listen.

 

Listen. Calm down.

 

Don't tell me to calm down!

Calm down. Let me go with you
and we'll talk.

 

I don't want to be around you.

 

I don't want to be around
any of you.

No. Darlene...

You're gonna need
your eyedrops.

 

My eyes are just fine.

 

They're just fine.
I don't need 'em.

 

Everything's crystal clear.

 

Please don't go.
Darlene, wait a minute.

 

Hello.

 

This is definitely the shits.

 

I'm sorry, Roy.

 

You know what?

 

Sorry just ain't cuttin' it
right now, Lonnie Earl.

 

Sugar kitten?

 

I'm in hell.
I hope everybody's happy.

 

Friends?

 

Shit! Fuck!

 

Car number 5394, please.

 

Yes.
You have a good day, too.

 

Darlene, wait!

 

You don't want to leave
like this.

 

Don't tell me what I want.

 

I'm sick and tired of people
tellin' me what I want to do!

 

God, I fucked up.
I'm so sorry, hon.

 

We have to talk about this.

 

We're too close
to throw away what we got.

 

What we got?!

 

We got a fuckin' mess
is what we got!

 

And I had nothin'
to do with it!

 

Yes, you did.

 

Oh, excuse me?

 

You did have somethin' to do
with it, Darlene.

 

Hell, Lonnie Earl was cryin'
for your attention,

 

and you refused to see it.

 

So he came to me to talk
about it,

 

and I was just tryin' to be
your friend, so I listened.

 

And before you knew it, he was
spinnin' you like a helicopter.

 

You bitch.

 

And you call yourself
my friend.

You're damn right I do.

In case you forgot,

 

I tried to talk to you
about it, too,

 

and you kept tryin' to
convince me and yourself

 

that everything was great,

that life was just
one big bowl of cherries!

 

Oh, go away!

 

You know what?
You're a fuckin' mole.

 

And I'm not talkin' about that
thing on Cindy Crawford's lips.

 

I'm talkin' about rodents that
bury themselves in the ground.

 

They got eyes, but since they
don't use 'em, they can't see.

 

Come on, elevator.

 

Just go ahead.

 

Just run away, Darlene,
like you always do.

 

Just so you don't
have to face anything.

 

Shut up.

 

You've got the world
by its balls,

 

and you don't even know it!

 

And you know why?

 

Because you're always throwing
some goddamn Darlene pity party!

 

Mopin' around
in those stupid overalls,

 

feelin' sorry for yourself,
hidin' behind your kids!

 

God, you've got this prison
built into your head,

 

and you just love living there!

 

Stop now!

 

No!

 

Wake...up, Darlene.

You've got a nice house,
your bills are paid,

 

you've got healthy kids,

 

you've got friends who care
about you if you only let them.

 

And, damn it,
you've got a husband

 

who thinks
you're worth fightin' for!

 

He so desperately
wants to find

 

the woman he fell in love with.

 

God damn it,
you could really enjoy life.

 

If you open your eyes,
you'd see that I'm right.

 

All I'd see are your legs
up over my husband's shoulders.

 

Oh.

 

- Don't go there.
- Ladies.

 

The only thing
I'm still wonderin'

 

is how a spoiled brat like you
fucked Lonnie Earl

 

without your daddy's
permission.

 

Bitch!

 

BELLHOP: No! Not in here!
Hey, come on!

 

Roy, let's talk.

 

Oh, shut up.

 

They're gonna kill each other.

 

Hey, just a sec.

 

- I just need to tell you...
- Stairs.

 

...I'm sorry about all of this.

- Later.
- Roy...

 

Let go of me!

 

Stay out of it!

 

- Darlene!
- Let me go!

 

- Get off of me, you bitch!
- Why won't you just let me --

 

Oh! Ow! Ow!

 

I hope that hurts you
like you hurt me.

 

Darlene!

 

ROY: Y'all stop it.

 

No! No!

 

No! Let go of me!

 

Get off her!

 

Don't tell me I'm goin' home!

 

Lonnie Earl, let go of me!

 

Will you calm down?

 

Don't tell me to calm down!

 

Roy! Let go!
Put me down!

 

Ooh!

 

I'm with child, you idiot!

Let go of that.
What are you --

 

Give me my wallet!

 

Give me my --

 

Is this what you want?!

 

- No, honey, please.
- This is what I want!

 

- Give me that.
- Bastard!

 

She's on her deal, you know?

 

Aren't you going to have
the oysters?

 

They are aphrodiliacs,
you know?

 

So, can I buy you a real drink?

 

Yeah. Yeah. Why not?

 

♪ You keep sayin'
you've got somethin' for me ♪

 

♪ Somethin' you call love
but confess ♪

 

♪ You've been a'messin' ♪

 

♪ Where you shouldn't
have been messin' ♪

 

♪ Now someone else
is gettin' all of your best ♪

 

♪ These boots are made
for walkin' ♪

 

♪ And that's just
what they'll do ♪

 

♪ One of these days these boots
are gonna walk all over you ♪

 

♪ Yeah ♪

 

♪ You keep lyin'
when you oughta be truthin' ♪

 

♪ You keep losin'
when you oughta not bet ♪

 

♪ And you keep samin'
when you oughta be a'changin' ♪

 

♪ What's right is right
but you ain't been right yet ♪

 

♪ These boots are made
for walkin' ♪

 

♪ And that's just
what they'll do ♪

 

♪ One of these days these boots
are gonna walk all over you ♪

 

Are you ready, boots?

 

Start walking.

 

TONY ORLANDO:
All right, lay it on me --

 

♪ Oh, my darling ♪

 

ALL: ♪ Knock three times ♪

 

♪ On the ceiling
if you want me ♪

 

Now you're talkin'.
Keep those hands together, now.

 

♪ Twice on the pipe ♪

 

♪ If the answer is no ♪

 

♪ Whoa, my sweetness ♪

 

♪ Means you'll meet me
in the hallway ♪

 

Keep it comin', Reno.
Come on, now.

 

♪ Twice on the pipe ♪

 

♪ Means you ain't gonna show ♪

 

Oh, wait a second.

 

Don't tell me that beautiful
lady's sittin' alone.

 

Whoo!

 

Welcome.

 

♪ Read how many times
I saw you ♪

 

♪ I can see your body swayin' ♪

 

♪ You're one floor below me,
you don't even know me ♪

 

♪ But I love you ♪

 

♪ Whoa, my darlin' ♪

 

♪ Knock three times ♪

♪ On the ceiling
if you want me ♪

 

All right.
I can't take it anymore.

 

I can't be alone.

 

I'm gonna throw myself
out the damn window.

 

I gotta talk to somebody.
You don't understand, Candy.

 

Ever since I was a little kid,
I didn't like to be alone.

 

And I can't be alone right now,
and you got to talk to me.

 

Let me sit here just
for a minute, just talk to you.

 

I promise, I swear to God,
I won't try to get that monkey.

 

I swear to God.

 

He's cheatin' on me.

- Huh?
- Roy is cheatin' on me.

 

What are you talkin' about?

 

Can you believe it?

 

That asshole.

 

I saw him dancin' with some
Puerto Rican skank at the bar.

 

I know he is.

 

Did she have a hairy lower back?

 

Yeah.

 

And long, black hair?

 

Uh-huh.

 

A little piece of deerskin
coverin' her titties?

 

Yeah.

 

That ain't no big deal.

 

That's just this hooker that's
workin' the bar down there.

 

A hooker?

 

I guess I said the wrong thing,
didn't l?

 

He doesn't love me anymore.

 

No, that's not true.

 

- Honey, he loves you.
- No, he doesn't.

 

My Roy is banging
a Puerto Rican hooker.

 

I doubt it.

 

I think she's a lesbian
anyway, hon.

 

She's not a lesbian.
I saw her with him.

 

Oh, now...

 

You want to know why?

 

'Cause we're shitty people,
Lonnie Earl.

 

Oh, baby,
we're not shitty people.

 

- We're not.
- We are.

 

We're not either, baby.
We're not shitty people.

 

- We're not.
- We're shitty people.

 

Hon, I was kind of here

 

- to talk about my problems.
- Jesus H.

We're shitty people.

 

Why the hell did I come back?

 

Why don't you two just get
a room of your own?

 

Or would you rather me just hang
out in the hall and wait?

 

Why don't you come in, Roy?

 

We was just talkin' about you.
Wasn't we, Candy?

 

Oh, yeah.

Well...

 

...did you do her?

 

Do what?

 

Did you...

 

and your hot-tamale Puerto Rican
dancin' partner...do it?

 

For your information,

 

she prefers to be called
a lady of the night.

 

I don't care
what she prefers to be called!

 

God damn it! Queen of Sheba!
I don't fuckin' care!

 

- Did you do her?!
- Oh, now, you wait a minute.

 

How dare you get
your panties in a wad

 

when the two of you started
this mess in the first place?

 

I'm just gonna go
back over to the room.

 

I thought you said
you couldn't stand bein' alone.

 

Well, this ain't none of
my business, really, you know?

 

Oh, the hell it ain't.

 

It became your business
when she pissed on that stick

 

and turned the damn thing blue.

 

Okay. I'll stay.

 

I'll sit over here in the chair,

 

and y'all can just yell at me
anytime you want to.

 

Abuse me.

 

Roy...

 

...you have every reason
to be mad at me.

 

But did you have to go
and find

 

some Puerto Rican skank
to get back at me?

Lord knows what kind of diseases
she might have,

 

and now I'm gonna have 'em!

 

Oh, sweetheart.
Get back at you?

I wasn't tryin' to get back
at you.

 

I wasn't even thinkin' of you.

 

And do you have any idea
how good that felt?

 

How much does a girl
like that run you, Roy?

 

God damn it, Lonnie Earl!
It's none of your business!

 

I tried to leave.

I'll tell you...

 

she didn't cost me a damn dime.

 

And you know why?

 

'Cause she really liked me
for me.

 

She thought I was
a real good guy, you know?

 

And that I did not deserve
a wife and a best friend

 

to do me the way you two did.

 

She thought that I deserved
a hell of a lot more respect,

 

and, by God, she was right.

 

'Cause I've had it up to here.

 

I'm sick and tired
of bein' treated

 

Like everybody's
little punchin' bag.

I know you know
what I'm talkin' about.

And I ain't gonna stand here
and take it no more.

 

As of right now,

 

Roy Kirkendall is demandin'
your utmost respect,

 

and he's gonna get it

 

or there's gonna be hell
to pay, I promise you.

 

I'm gonna kick some ass
and take some names.

 

DARLENE:
I respect you, Roy.

 

Darlene, I've been worried sick
about you, honey.

 

- Holy...
- Don't come near me.

 

- God.
- You'll spoil my aura.

 

Your what?

 

Well, can't you see it?
It's all around me.

 

It's a big ol' cloud
of self-esteem.

 

And Tony Orlando
gave it to me.

Darlene, you look...

 

you look good enough to put
in a J.C. Penney window.

 

Well, thank you, Bubba.

 

You met Tony Orlando?

 

No.

 

But he sang right to me.

 

You really did look pretty
tonight, Darlene.

 

I actually felt pretty
tonight, Candy.

 

Oh!

 

Rise and shine.

 

2:15.
Breakfast time.

Up, up, up, gentlemen.

 

♪ Come on out of bed,
sleepyhead ♪

 

♪ Good morning,
good morning ♪

 

Rise and shine.
Feet on the floor.

 

Good morning, men.
Wakey, wakey. Hand off snakey.

 

I'm here on orders
from Darlene Dodd.

 

Breakfast is being served.

 

Please join me, won't you?

 

Miss Candy...
it's breakfast time.

 

Won't you join us, please?

 

Roy, you're gonna have
the eggs Benedict.

 

And eggs Florentine, no coffee
for the lady who is with child.

 

And this one is for --

 

Let's see.
How did she put it?

 

The whore dog
who sells cars in Millsberg.

 

Don't shoot the messenger.
Okay.

 

The bill's been taken care of
by you, Mr. Dodd.

I hope you've had
a pleasant stay with us,

and I wish that I could say
I hope you'll return soon,

but...I'd be lying.

 

Okay. Goodbye.

 

Hang on a minute.

 

Oh, no. Please.
Don't give me your dollar.

I've been most pleasantly
taken care of by Darlene.

 

She's quite a woman.

 

All right.
Whore dog, all, good day.

 

I don't like that motherfucker.

 

I wasn't gonna tip
the son of a bitch anyway.

 

This says "Meet me
at the Monster Truck Jam."

 

ANNOUNCER: The question
I have to ask now --

 

is anybody ready to see
some monster truck racing?

 

Okay! Let's do it!

 

Hey, baby.

 

Hey.

 

Just in time for the big event.

 

Whoo!

 

Wow.

 

Look at that son of a bitch.

 

ANNOUNCER: We got exciting
monster truck action tonight!

 

Honey, I know I've been
an asshole.

 

I swear to God
I'm gonna do better.

 

It'd just tear me to pieces
if somethin' happened to us.

 

I'd rather get run over by one
of them trucks than lose you.

 

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to Reno

 

a truck-chomping,
Godzilla-of-a-beast machine!

 

Give it up, Reno,
for Robosaurus!

 

Whoo!

 

Whoo!

 

ANNOUNCER:
So, what do you say, people,

 

We sacrifice a new car?

 

Yeah!

 

Whoo!

 

Oh, no.

 

Go, baby!

 

Lonnie Earl, so much for
that Corinthian leather, huh?

 

Go!

Whoo!

 

He's gonna eat it.

 

Oh, no.

 

Lonnie Earl,
how are we gonna get home?

 

ANNOUNCER:
Tonight's fully loaded,

 

dealer-exclusive offering
was generously donated

 

by a Mr. Lonnie Earl Dodd
of Lonnie Earl Dodd Chevrolet!

 

Oh!

 

ANNOUNCER:
If you can't trust Lonnie Earl,

 

who can you trust?

 

Let's give it up
for Lonnie Earl!

 

DARLENE: I saw these two couples
on "The Jerry Springer Show"

 

that screwed up a hell of a lot
worse than we did.

 

And I figured if they can
make up by the end of the show,

 

in time, maybe we could, too.

 

LONNIE EARL: You need any help
with that, Roy?

 

DARLENE: But I guess life isn't
always that simple.

 

So we all decided

 

we'd better leave
what had happened back in Reno.

 

And while the baby issue's still
stuck in everyone's craw,

 

Roy said that if he had to drop
two grand at a sperm bank

 

to buy some stranger's seed,

 

he thought it seemed better
to get it from his best friend.

We all just wished Lonnie Earl
had made the deposit in a cup.

 

But you realize
time heals all wounds,

 

and real friends endure
tough times.

 

And that's what we are --
real friends.

 

Roy...

 

I wanted to tell you somethin'.

 

I love you.

 

I know.

 

No.
I mean I really love you.

 

♪ Ahh ♪

 

♪ Love doesn't come
with a contract ♪

 

♪ You give me this,
I give you that ♪

 

♪ It's scary business ♪

 

♪ When your heart and soul
is on the line ♪

 

♪ Baby, why else would I be ♪

 

♪ Standing 'round here
so tongue-tied? ♪

 

♪ If I knew what I was doin' ♪

 

♪ I'd be doing it right now ♪

 

♪ I would be
the best damn poet ♪

 

♪ Silver words
out of my mouth ♪

♪ Well, my words
might not be magic ♪

 

♪ But they cut
straight to the truth ♪

♪ So if you need a lover
and a friend ♪

 

♪ Baby, I'm...Baby I'm...
Baby I'm in ♪

 

DARLENE: Oh, and good news --
Candy had a 9-pound baby boy --

 

The spittin' image of Roy.

 

Candy insisted
they name him Gunther.

 

And after two more babies,
there was no debatin' it --

 

Roy's tadpoles were
most definitely swimmin'.

 

As for us,
Lonnie Earl finally agreed

 

to see that marriage counselor
in Little Rock.

 

And since then,
things have been lookin' up.

 

I've been takin' a more active
role in the family business.

 

And you'd be surprised what
it's done for my self-esteem,

 

not to mention our sales.

 

I guarantee you we won't be
undersold by anybody.

 

And if you can't trust
ol' Lonnie Earl...

 

Then you can trust Darlene.

 

Hi, I'm Darlene Dodd

 

invitin' you to come on down
to Lonnie Earl Dodd Chevrolet,

 

where you'll find
the best deals ever.

 

So swing by Lonnie Earl Dodd
Dodge and Chevy

 

and say hello
to Ronnie the rooster here

or try your luck with Trudy.

 

Right now, we've got
a really great deal

 

on a used maroon Suburban,
so come on over.

 

And just remember,
if you can't trust Lonnie Earl,

 

you can trust Darlene.